Saturday, October 18, 2014

something you probably didn't know

Another impossible #BLOGTOBER14 post... why must these prompts be so thought provoking! It literally took me until this very second to think of anything to write. I feel like I should probably have a secret or two...right? Maybe, I'm just old and boring or something. But then I decided, "a secret" doesn't necessarily have to be a secret from everyone, it can just be a secret that your readers don't all know. With that in mind, I have come up with a secret to share.


Day Eighteen: Share A Secret About Myself

My secret is that I am terrified I am going to get fat again. There are times when I will compulsively weigh myself every day, and then get kinda panicky if I see an unexpected number. I do try to live by the, "my diet is like a bank account" moto, but sometimes I get down on myself and freak out a little. I'm pretty much an anxiety ridden mess (there's another secret I could have shared). I think these freak outs come on because, when I look back on photos (like those above), I feel like, I had no idea that I was so... rotund.

Maybe that is just how denial works... it feels like every other day, I would just be completely devastated about how I looked. I would avoid social situations because getting ready to go anywhere, or getting dressed for a night out would inevitably lead to me crying my eyes out. Clearly I knew there was a problem.. and I clearly did nothing to change it for a very long time.

I often times feel like I have gotten more self conscious now, after losing all that weight. I think that is for the same reason as above. If I had let myself get to such an unhealthy point before and hadn't realized, what is to say I'm not doing it again? So I weigh myself, talk about my muffin top, and worry that I'm gonna blow up any day now.

My secret is also a reason that I am thankful to have this blog, and for you reading it. It's sorta motivational for me to keep working on myself. Because obviously, posting pictures of yourself, or writing about exercise isn't really all that fun when you aren't feeling good about yourself.

Helene in Between Blogtober

3 comments:

  1. You are not alone! I also used to be heavier and have been able to keep it off for nearly two years now. But, I am still terrified that I am going to start gaining it back again. And I completely feel you about being more self-conscious now than before and it sucks.. really. I think looking back at pictures is a good reminder or motivator to not go back to how things were though...

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  2. Oh my gosh, I want to be best friends with you.

    I lost a ton of weight a few years ago, and gaining it back scares me to death. Even now, in pictures, if I can see that I'm looking bigger - in my face or in my arms - I beat myself up. It's almost like this paranoid eating disorder, because I shock myself into these ridiculous habits when in reality I should be just focusing on the fact that my weight - forever - will fluctuate. Always. I'll never be the size I was in college. Also, I need to learn to be happy with myself every day regardless of how much I weigh. But it's easier said than done.

    Anyway, I really loved the honesty here.

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  3. Oh Lordy me too, I always feel that I am two days worth of delicious dinners away before the ol' fat suit starts to expand again. It's the constant monkey on my back, I would love to be free from it but I was miserable before, so great to hear others saying the same.

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