Another impossible #BLOGTOBER14 post... why must these prompts be so thought provoking! It literally took me until this very second to think of anything to write. I feel like I should probably have a secret or two...right? Maybe, I'm just old and boring or something. But then I decided, "a secret" doesn't necessarily have to be a secret from everyone, it can just be a secret that your readers don't all know. With that in mind, I have come up with a secret to share.
Day Eighteen: Share A Secret About Myself
My secret is that I am terrified I am going to get fat again. There are times when I will compulsively weigh myself every day, and then get kinda panicky if I see an unexpected number. I do try to live by the, "my diet is like a bank account" moto, but sometimes I get down on myself and freak out a little. I'm pretty much an anxiety ridden mess (there's another secret I could have shared). I think these freak outs come on because, when I look back on photos (like those above), I feel like, I had no idea that I was so... rotund.
Maybe that is just how denial works... it feels like every other day, I would just be completely devastated about how I looked. I would avoid social situations because getting ready to go anywhere, or getting dressed for a night out would inevitably lead to me crying my eyes out. Clearly I knew there was a problem.. and I clearly did nothing to change it for a very long time.
I often times feel like I have gotten more self conscious now, after losing all that weight. I think that is for the same reason as above. If I had let myself get to such an unhealthy point before and hadn't realized, what is to say I'm not doing it again? So I weigh myself, talk about my muffin top, and worry that I'm gonna blow up any day now.
My secret is also a reason that I am thankful to have this blog, and for you reading it. It's sorta motivational for me to keep working on myself. Because obviously, posting pictures of yourself, or writing about exercise isn't really all that fun when you aren't feeling good about yourself.